"How do you feel?"

My girlfriend Marge asked me two questions in the last day or two:

1. How I felt about this next week

and

2. Was I apprehensive

The way I answered her was this...I feel great.  I feel really lucky...I have been daignosed with cancer but have a great prognosis ahead of me.  In this journey thus far in the past couple weeks I have  come across a number of stories where that is not the case for others.

I'm not over-thinking about what tomorrow will bring with the next step of the process. I know in my mind where I must be, who I must meet with, what the process is, and how I may (or may not) feel based on what the doctors, nurses, books, etc have said.  I keep myself in a very positive mindset....I keep to the "knowns".

As for the unknowns, if I start to speculate on all the different things that could possible happen in the coming months...well, the mind can tend to take you off into a spiral of thought that is just so unnessary to be in. I don't need to be thinking about "what if I get sick", "what if I get thrush in the mouth", "what if I am fatigued". I know all of those things may happen and I know what I must do if they do happen (mainly food/hydration focused). End of story. No need to think beyond that space for me except to put plans in place to react to them if they do happen - and that has been done.

Secondly,she asked me if I am apprehensive. Let's start with the definition of apprehensive:

1 capable of understanding or quick to do so : discerning

2 having awareness or knowledge of something : cognizant

3 viewing the future with anxiety or alarm

— ap·pre·hen·sive·ly adverb

— ap·pre·hen·sive·ness noun

I would say that I have the capability of understanding and that I have the knowledge...but in regards to viewing the future with anxiety of alarm the answer is a simple, "no". Why should I? I know I must have chemo. It is a standard cocktail mixture. It won't be "fun" so like anything that we must tackle that is not fun we prepare ourselves. So when hooked up with the IV I'll put my music (a bit of U2 or MPeople can put a smile on my face most times!), read a book, or play some brain teaser games (I would say do a little work but my team and boss may be reading this so I better not put that in here!). All that makes me happy!

So I'm good. I look forward to getting on with it and it's one step closer to coming through the other end...and then watch out...LT with an extra pep in her step and a re-newed sense of life!

Moments in Time

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
Richard Bach
My personal belief is that each moment should be enjoyed, savoured, and nurtured.  Yesterday some of Team Laurice enjoyed some quality time together including the kids enjoying knocking down a Pinata (especially once all the lollies got knocked out!), and hunted for Easter Eggs.  The day was filled with smiles, laughter and fun. 

I thank all of you for continuing to help create a wonderful, positive and healing space as I prepare to be infused the the chemo cocktails in the week to come.  Today is about the smiles, laughter and fun (and the library...my just turned 12 daughter has pleaded with me to take her to the library today...sounds good to me!).

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale

Birthday Celebrations

Funnily enough the birthday celebration this year as about doing what I wanted to do...now, this looks much different in the world of LT as some of you might appreciate.  A girlfriend asked if I wanted to go and pamper myself with a pedicure and manicure.  I said I would rather attend a meeting that I was invited to.  So off we went to the University of Melbourne and attended one of my mentees PhD confirmation presentaion.  It was lovely to support someone who fully appreciated my efforts to make it such a momentus day for him.  I congratulate him on getting the confirmation signed after the presentation!

Additionally, I attended the kids last assembly for the term.  My kids were also very appreciative that I made the effort to be there.

I was happy to hunker down on the couch with the kids for the night and watch the movie of their choice...unfortunately I fell asleep in "Hotel Transylvania" but enjoyed the time.

Another perfect birthday!  Thank you all for your birthday cards, texts, flowers, etc.  All of that contributes to a continued positive space in our household!

Chemo cocktail

Laurice has chosen to undergo the chemo regimen recommended by her oncologist Prof Michael Green. She will start on a cocktail which is fairly standard for the type of  cancer Laurice is fighting.

In determining what treatment to put Laurice on there are several factors to consider;

• The size of the Tumor, (The larger of Laurice's Tumors was 55mm)
• The grade of the Tumor, (grade 3 aggressive!)
• The status of the lymph nodes (Laurice's were thankfully clear)

Laurice is triple negative, that is her cancer is negative for oestrogen and progesterone hormone receptors , she also negative  to the Her/2 receptor. This means that the type of cancer drugs which rely on the receptors  as a way in to attack the cancer cells would not work for the type of cancer in Laurice's case.

If the tumors are gone and the cat scans and bone scans are clear why do chemo?

As good as the scans are they simply can not detect cancer at a cellular level and it only take one of these cells to hide undetected somewhere in the body to once again grow into a tumour. Chemo will attack these cells and hopefully kill them all and rid her body of cancer  once and for all.

So it's chemo for our girl!

  The particular cocktail of choice is known as TC, consists of two different drugs

• docetaxel (Taxotere®)
• cyclophosphamide.

Chemo is effectively poison, it works by attacking rapidly multiplying cancer cells, unfortunately it takes out other cells that grow rapidly also, namely, those that line the mouth / gastrointestinal tract and hair.

For a full list of  possible side effects refer to the below link which has a reasonably good description
of some of the side effects that many, but not all, patients experience. Everyone is different and we won't know how it will effect Laurice until it starts.

The program is  for 12 weeks which is "only" 4 doses , given  once every  3 weeks.

So is that it?

Not quite!! The jury is still out as to whether Radiation treatment is also needed at the end of chemo, so stay tuned!!!


TC Chemo combination

First Day of New Chapter

I'm going to write a short blog about yesterday but will leave it to Tony to fill in the gaps of the technical detail of what we learned yesterday.

The summary of going forward is that I will start chemo next week.  I will need to do four sessions, once every three weeks (so for the next 12 weeks).

It was a confronting day which we knew was upon us.  But I'm ready to charge at this coming 12 weeks.

Highlight of the day...there was a picture of a hummingbird in the Oncologists office!  I took a photo so will post it later.  The hairs went up on our arms when we saw it!

Last day of this chapter

So today is the last day of this part of the journey.  Tomorrow I must face up to the Oncologist and have an adult conversation about what the next part of the path entails...life with chemo cocktails.  Tony has already pre-ordered some drink umbrellas so all my drinks going forward will be in line with "cocktails"...not thinking about alcohol but more in line with celebrations of life. 

So today is about the beauty of the day. Enjoying and relaxing with friends who are dropping by.  Doing homework and music practice with the kids.  Reading the paper.  Listening to music.  Doing housework.  Normalacy.  It's a beautiful thing to have a "normal" day.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart".

Helen Keller

Team Spirit

Yesterday I did a surprise short visit to my team at BP at a an all day offsite work function we have been planning for some time.  I can tell you that I got so much energy from seeing, talking to, hugging all of my incredible team members.....when walking away I felt like each of them had provided me their strength and collectively I am now 40 times stronger!  It really made my day. I am a true believer  in the power of positive thinking and that is the key in heading into chemo cocktail routine in the coming near future.

Also, I made an appointment to get my hair done on Tuesday in some funky fashion (short...in anticipation of losing it all). The owner of the shop has agreed to donate her time and I will donate the money I would have paid her to Shave for a Cure.  Great outcome...and all efforts being to make a positive difference.

One final note for this blog....I have now had at least half a dozen friends tell me this has jump started theirselves into action....they have either done self examinations, made doctor appointments for routine checks, or signed up for mammograms to be done.  I am proud of all of you for remembering/reminding yourself that your health is most important!  A good outcome of this shitty situation! Thank you.

Sharing the Journey

I've been asked several times now if I would mind if others shared this blog on their Facebook pages, with friends, etc.  I have said that I would be more than happy for that to happen so others can gain benefit by knowing a bit more about my specific journey.

But I also realise how drastically different we all are as well.  So whilst I may go through easy / challenging times at one stage someone else will most likely go through the opposite.  So What I've finding extremely important at this juncture is:

1.  To stay extremely positive in my mind set.  If I hear people talk about what I "should be doing" or how they think I'll feel, I will tend to shy away from that.  I plan on tackling this with everything I have and to do that I must stay very fit in mind, body and soul.  To inundate myself with facts and figures on how long I'm going to live or how fatigued I'm going to feel, or the sense of loss over my breast, etc does me no good.  My mind set is to think about all the things I'm going to do in the future (as my husband keeps saying, how and when I'm going to 'take over the world' LOL).

2.  To be able to say "thank you" gracefully and be able to receive from others.  So many family and friends have given and will continue to provide for myself and the family.  It's not in my nature to receive but in this instance I very humbly say "thank you".

3.  To not get ahead of myself.  What about x, y, z?  Will we still be able to go on holiday?  When will I go back to work and will it be full time?  What will I look like with no hair?  Will I be sick after chemo cocktail lunches?  I'm not thinking at all in those spaces...that is "tomorrow" and I am just enjoying today to it's fullest.  I'll tackle tomorrow when I get to it.

So staying positive in each and every moment I can is the space I am in.  I'm not saying I will always be successful in doing so but I go into each day believing I will be.

Surgeon's Report

Thank you all for so many texts and calls today.  Today's trip to the surgeon (after an hour and a half delay on his part...but hey, who wants to rush into his office anyhow?!) was fairly un-eventful.  It was about:

1. Confirming that I had received the pathology report (he was away last week so his colleague was actually the one who gave it to me whilst in hospital)
2.  Taking out the sutures (not as bad as taking out the drainage tube but not high on my list of "things to do").
3.  Pumping up the "re-construction" zone with saline (no more details are probably needed at this point)
4.  Draining out around the "re-construction" zone (since I no longer have a drainage tube...aka my little handbag in the hospital).
5.  Confirming what we believe we already knew - which the Oncologist will give more detail on Monday about - that because I am "Triple Negative", I will be blessed with having the Chemo Cocktail (best to suit my body and conditions).

Hmmm, my new life highlights will have to be quickly re-written as we re-baseline life and putting things into perspective!

The glass of red wine (or two) I had this evening were very much enjoyed!

I was blessed to arrive home to having friends put things into the freezer, more flowers and gifts arrive and a plethora of cards filled with beautiful words in my mailbox.

I saw a girlfriend today who exclaimed that I looked better than she had seen me in months....but of courseI do - how could I not since I have been receiving so much positive energy from everyone!  Keep it coming!  I hope to store it up for days/weeks that I can use on at those times in the near future that tend to try to eat away at my energies.

"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom."  George S Patten

Shave for a Cure - Team Laurice

All,

The kids came home today wanting to colour their hair for Shave for a Cure.  I participated in this back in 2005.  Since it is most likely I'll start chemo cocktails next week I thought this might be a good start.  I think I'll colour my hair first...but you never know!

Join me, sponsor me, or send words of support via the blog!

http://my.leukaemiafoundation.org.au/TeamPage.aspx?teamID=76179

Thanks Team Laurice!

Reflections

This week is a time of reflection.  Here are a few of them:

1.  It was three weeks ago yesterday I found a lump in my breast.  A lifetime has gone past from then until today.  If you had told me the day before I found the lump that my next three weeks would look like it has I would have called anyone crazy.  Surreal at best.

2.  The importance of health.  I'm really good of taking care of others but not as good as taking care of self.  The importance of good health as well as health checks at the doctor are pretty high up in my priority list for the future.

3.  One day at a time.  You can't live life just looking one day ahead of course but to really value to importance of each day as it comes and embrace the beauty and tackle the challenges day by day has been something I've reflected upon for the past three weeks.  And will continue to going forward.

4.  The blessing of good friends and family.  I don't ask for help very often or even let people help me ( I can hear laughter out there!) but over the past couple weeks I have embraced all the support anyone was able to give.  I thank you all for that tremendous outpouring ofpositive  energy. 

5.  "I don't know what to say".  Many people have said that to me....and I have responded, "It's okay, I don't know what to say either".  But my quoatable quote is "it is what it is".  It's not a time to be able to have the answers or know what to say...it's a time of being able to be who we are and that's why we are friends.

Tony has been doing a lot of research on the way forward and what others have experienced when diagnosed with what I haave (triple negative is the key there).  But for this week it's about healing after surgery and storing the energy in the body for what is to come when tackling the chemo cocktails in my diet in the near future.

I'm off to enjoy a cup of coffee and read the paper.  Simple pleasures should never be understated.

Home sweet home

It's great to be home and be in my own space.  The kids are going to hang out with me tomorrow.....Which will make for a great day again. Lots of cuddles and smiles.

So....In the coming week I will be fairly low key on the blog. I will be enjoying a week of rest before we get onto the next step. Even though I came out clear, my DNA makeup means I am Triple Negative....and that brings a more narrow band of treatment we can use.

But for the next week I will concentrate on a healthy diet, rest, and exercise...

Thanks for the continued support from Team Laurice....from all of the family.

Scans

Last night I went to bed early to ensure I got up early today. Yesterday when the doctor came in I was asleep and groggy when he gave me the results ....wanted to be more awake today.  So when the doctor arrived around 7, I was awake...didn't have a coffee in me but was awake.

So Since 5am i sat here in great anticipation of the news of the CT scan and bone scan.  And the news is......ALL CLEAR!!!!!! Woooooo hoooooooooooo.  Yipppeeeee!!!! (I didn't manage to do a backflip given my obvious predicament of still having sutures from major surgery)!

What next? Drainage tube comes out shortly (aka my nice little hand bag), take the sutures out, take a shower, pack up and go HOME!!!!!!!!!

Treatment? We actually won't know that until next Friday when I meet up with my surgeon and medical oncologist.

So today is just about basking in the glory of the news that I have rid my body of the cancer cells. That's what I call...a beautiful day!

Sitting and waiting....

It's interesting how we view and "feel" time....this past week has been full of waiting and more waiting. I can honestly admit that I am not good in the back seat and just letting everyone else be in charge and sit and ...wait. Okay, now I know a few of you are perhaps smiling or even laughing at that comment as you already know that about me...but perhaps it's good to state the obvious. I am starting this blog prior to doing the scans....I sit in a reflective mood and think about things that are most important to me....But you also probably know that I tend to do that as well (eg my other blog...Striving to Make a Difference).  I do enjoy "thinking time" normally but this has tested me somewhat....

So I will finish this for now ...as I wait ...and sit in queues for the day. Today time seemingly continues the same pace ...at a very painstakingly slow and measured rate....but I will spend it thinking about the important things...and that is quite special to give myself that time and space.

It's a beautiful day

Last night I went to sleep, after I drank the champagne Tonys dad brought in for me, listening to U2. I drifted off listening to "it's a Beautiful Day"....

I started off the day today with the nurse, Irish, asking if I drank my champagne last night(since she conspired with me and got an ice bucket to put it in....don't worry-it was a small bottle!). She also confided that she was the one on the floor the other day when I refused to come to this ward....she had been the one to fight getting me here. She said, "this is where you belong...with the boob nurses not those gyno ones, we're a more fun team down here". Both teams have been amazing.

So the first of the good news today....the doctor came in to say the test results look good. So that is a very beautiful way to start the day.  The next step is to do the bone scan and cat scan. I am in the queue (once again) for those tests. They typically start with external patients and then take internal. Once those are done they send the results to the doctor and he and the breastcare nurse come back later today with those.  Then we'll also know the treatment going forward at that time. We'll log back in when we know....keep those positive energies coming!!!!!!

So ....another hurdle jumped without any issues....running hard to get over the next one. It's so much easier to get through times like these by having people like you around. Thank you.

Xx,
LT

Tuesday - the hummingbird

Over the past several days there have been a number things that  i have received that have hummingbirds on it....to name a few...this blog site (tony didn't notice until we noticed the hummingbirds popping up), pajamas, a card, and a sticker with one of my meals....all from different sources.

So I mentioned this to the nurse, Emma, who was on duty several days ago. Well, Emma is back on duty tonight and she came in to tell me she did some research on hummingbirds and found an article  on Hummingbird Symbolism....

"The hummingbird symbolises many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time.  It is a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But this bird also teaches  that we must not dwell on our past, we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savour each moment and appreciate the things we love.  They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating  from non-violent  towards ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent. By observing the hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar. It reminds us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day.  Theis quality reminds us to be persistent in the pursuit of our dreams and adopt the tenacity of the hummingbird in our lives."

The nurse said, "LT, somehow I think this  is you...". Perhaps.....

A nice day of relaxing. Still no phone but had some nice chats with girlfriends and with my beautiful husband who is sitting here with me tonight.

Each day is a blessing in itself. Thank you for the continued support.

Love,
The new hospital florist manager

Moomba Monday

Today is a hot Day here in Melbourne- always good for Moomba Festival (I challenge you to look it up if you don't know about it).  It is also Labour Day today here in Victoria so Tony and the kids are here at hospital again with me which is awesome.  We're going to head down to the cafe and play cards in a bit to get me up and do my daily marathon around the hospital wards.

I feel pretty good overall...the body is amazing. I am only on Panadol and anti inflammatory tablets which is pretty good I thought.

Each of the nurses have come in and selected their favourite flowers....each of them enjoying all the wonderful smells. I love sitting and staring at them and listening to my music.

Off to whoop the family's butt in card games.

Thanks again for persevering on the IT side of things. I am hoping that my phone gets fixed up in coming day or two.  I have been told by friends that there are LOTS of messages and texts on there waiting for me. So I look forward to receiving all those...soon!

Kindly,
LT

Sunday morning ...a new day...a new room

Hello team!
LT here ....it's Sunday morning and my support team brought in my long Mac (coffee of choice).  So sitting here with my book ( thanks Alison - great book!) and coffee and my partial family support team. Keeley off at a birthday party.

Last night I had to switch rooms....hospital politics. I had been put in an overflow room in the gyno ward...but my doctor wanted me in the breast ward. Well, I liked where I was at and refused to move. They ended up bringing in the head honcho of the ward who profusely apologised but said when Dr Collins says it needs to happen then it needs to happen. So we packed up the florist (luckily Tony and Zac were still around to do the manual handling) and begrudgingly moved wards.

Thank you all for persevering with modern day technology.  Since my phone and computer are out of service this has been a godsend for me to connect to you. These notes of support and smiles and waves of positive thoughts and prayers feel amazing and will help us through this next stage.

So for now it's rest and recovery. Wednesday brings the pathology report which tells us what more we are dealing with and what treatment I will need. We already pretty much know I will need chemo so the kids are selecting my new hair styles if I lose all my hair. I will be styling like no ones business according to Keeley!

Keep the notes coming. They are hugely appreciated!

Love,
Laurice

Saturday lunch

Dear team, I am now feeling a bit more human. Yesterday was a bit rough to say the least but the nurses have been amazing in making me feel as good as I can. Thank you all who have sent flowers...my room looks like a florist.i love it!  I have slept a lot which is great. Today Tony and the kids have come in which has brightened my day as well.
For now I just want to thank you being such wonderful support at this time. Love you all.
Ps-my phone is still not working but hopefully that will be rectified soon.....

Much needed rest

Laurice is still fast asleep, which is great since she was in some discomfort in recovery, the surgery went as planned  and they did all that they needed to do for round one of the battle. We now wait for the pathology results to see if the lymph nodes contain signs of cancer, if so then it's more surgery. Since  its a public holiday here on Monday, we wont get the results until Wednesday, so our focus is on recovery from the surgery until we know what we are dealing with for round two.

Thank you for the flowers and well wishes, I expect that Laurice will be recovered enough in the morning to update you herself.

Tony

Out of surgery

 After 3 hours Laurice is out of surgery and in recovery, I still can't see her yet and haven't got any further news, Tanya  (candidate for the worlds most awesome nurse,) has been keeping me updated and has been putting in the calls to her buddies in the theatre to get updates.  The nursing grapevine says that she got through surgery very well and are now working on pain management before she returns to  the ward soon.

Thank you 'Team Laurice' for your ,continued support and prayers they are working...

The longest night

 Laurice hand wrote the following for me to post this morning, hopefully i have translated correctly  and have done this justice, ( even when well Laurice's handwriting is a challenge to read!) 

When laying in a hospital alone and reading about cancer with surgery planned for the next morning, I can safely say it was a very long night.

The mind takes itself into many places. . . Some OK some not.

as I was slipping into a hazy rest last night the nurse came to check on my status board and noticed under 'Special Instructions'  - give Champagne as required, the nurse smiled and said "I like your style, I hope the Champagne is chilling in the fridge" as she pointed to the mini fridge in the corner of the room, I just smiled. . . If I had of done anything else she would have seen I was experiencing " the Longest Night"

Comment posting problem fixed!

Ok I  admit I suck as an IT support guy! I think I have fixed the posting of comments problem that some of you have been having, (I just turned  the computer off an on again since that is all our  IT guys at work seem to do!) so please try again if you couldn't get through previously

Quick update:
I left Laurice at the hospital  earlier this evening ( this blog is on US time so you need to allow for the time difference) and she is in remarkably good spirits, She is in good hands at the hospital with a great caring  team looking after her every need, she is already running the ward and everyone knows who she is! there is a white board in her room used for the medical staff to leave each other notes and general information,  under the heading "Special Needs" Laurice has written "Provide champagne as required"

She will have surgery tomorrow around 10 am, I will post another update in the morning.

Thanks for joining Team Laurice

Tony
(Team Captain and apprentice IT support guy)

Checked in

Okay, all checked in. I have the teddy bears that my team presented me and the one my daughter sent with me sitting on the bed ready for cuddles. I have done the dye which shows how many lymph nodes must go. Looks like three to my very trained eye in such matters....but for Dr. Collins to reconfirm tomorrow as the surgeon.

It appears my phone is having issues so not particularly impressed since I have no computer either. Hmmm. No communication to the outside world does not make a very happy LT!

All else good to go.

Day with no computer

Okay, I thought you should know that Tony has wrestled the computer away from me and I will not be taking it to the hospital.  For all of you in my team and others who have been warning of doing the same please rest easy that the focus will not be on work today.

It's not a day I felt like getting out of bed.  It would have been really easy to lay in bed and sleep all day.  But I have things to get after...so off to get after them.

Thanks for the continued wave of emails and texts coming through.  Please feel free to use this blog as well as I'll be logging onto here (hopefully Tony can smuggle in a iPad and I can get onto the blog...no work though...promise!).  Tony will continue to update the blog on my behalf.

Thanks team!

Storm in a Tea Cup

BLAH!

That is sort of how best to describe my thoughts all rolled up into one...maybe I could use some different words but I won't on the website in case the kids are looking over the shoulders.

Tomorrow I head into the hospital.  I check in at 1:15 and then by 2:30 they inject a dye to see what lympth nodes might be compromised.  That tells them what to get after the next day.

Friday, on International Women's Day, I am fourth up in "queue" (heard a funny story about queueing up today...so that brings a laugh).  I am not very good about queueing up and waiting.  Doesn't put me in control of getting after things.  No, I'm not a control freak at all!  So I will be out of recovery sometime mid-afternoon.

They should have the pathology reports by Wednesday and that tells them more still.  Out of hospital by late next week hopefully.

I have been receiving so many texts, messages, emails, etc.  Keep them coming.  All the positive healing thoughts are appreciated.

Off to the next part of the journey....